i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
