It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
