Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
