how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
