I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's great music for shaving your balls
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Randomize
