$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
