When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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