i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
