remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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