Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
