His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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