hell yes lets make some ravioli
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
