Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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