I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
