I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
