Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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