A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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