My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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