I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
