did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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