I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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