I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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