Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
