a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
