it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
