Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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