i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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