I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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