Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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