he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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