just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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