Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
