Even the bartender felt bad for me
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
