I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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