i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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