I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize