I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
