I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
