I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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