you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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