I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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