dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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