thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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