The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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