just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
