So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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