Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
