I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
