You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
