im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize