I think my fart just growled at me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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