i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
