he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
