the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
