The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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