but the lizard people decide everything anyway
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
