she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize