The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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