Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
