If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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