cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
