did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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